I was on an adventure to find an ancient tomb. I was in a
cave that led to the tomb, I brought materials like matches, a flashlight, and a first aid kit. As I got deeper
and deeper into the cave. I heard a sound, I looked forward and back. Which
way? I assumed I was just hallucinating , so I kept on walking. I found the tomb, but there was problem,
there were booby traps everywhere. But as soon as I
picked it up, everything started to shake. Rocks were falling and traps were
going off. I made it out the cave, ran to my car and drove off.
I was on an adventure to find an ancient tomb. I was in a corridor that I hope leads to the tomb. As I went deeper and deeper into the corridor, I heard a sound. I looked in front and behind. Which way? I was not sure, so I kept walking. I found the tomb, but there was a problem. I noticed that there were traps everywhere! I walked cautiously toward the tomb, but I was not careful enough. I tripped on a trip wire and stones were falling everywhere! I ran out of the room, but it was too late.
ReplyDeleteI fixed your mistakes and changed your story. I changed your ending because your original ending was rather abrupt and it did not make a lot of sense.
and also there should be an indent at the beginning sentence
DeleteYou add a period at the end of the sentence
ReplyDeletePut a period after drove off. In the last sentence you have two and`s takeout one and put a comma. I suggest to take out and add it after cave so it will look something like this. I made it out of the cave, ran to my car and drove off.
ReplyDeletegreat story but when you wrote, I brought some stuff like matches, flashlight, and first aid kit. you should have wrote "I brought some stuff like matches, a flashlight and a first aid kit. also they are not suppose to be contractions. for example when you wrote "i didn't know so i kept walking" you should change the didn't to did not. also in "i found the tomb but as soon as i picked it up". You should put a comma between 'tomb' and 'but.'
ReplyDelete